" My world keeps turning and turning and I'm not moving on"
Where are all my movie and music buffs? Movie and Song reference please!! I remember watching this movie and hearing this song and what incredibly powerful and heart breaking words they were. I thought wow I could only imagine what it may feel like to hear this song and know this kind of pain, the unbearable pain of losing someone you love until one day I did. I remember listening to this song several weeks after and thinking how is it possible that I now know what this feels like. I wanted to change to song, but instead of signing along to the song I loved so much in the past I listened to the whole thing and actually heard every single word.
Less than a year ago my life changed in the blink of an eye.That story will be for a later date, but it changed me. I wasn't "Aly" anymore I no longer recognized myself and or my life. I was a shell of who I once was and it was terrifying and heartbreaking all at the same time. I struggled then and I still struggle to this day to find my strength, but I remember days on end where I felt like I was drowning, there was no hope, no strength, nothing. I could only describe it as numb and I became a master at disconnecting from my life, any and all situations when I couldn't or didn't want to handle what was happening. I wanted to disappear, I wanted to escape and I needed to be free. Free of the pain, the heartache the anger, and the bitterness. I had officially fallen into that dreaded rabbit hole and the further that I fell, the darker it got. I would pray to leave this world, cry for days on end, curse this world and all the people in, even the ones who stood with me. I hurt to be with them, to talk to them. It was something I never knew a day in my life. I had always cherished my life and everyone in it. I couldn't believe what was happening to me.
I can only describe it as everyone around me was running a million miles and hour and I was just standing still. Families were growing all around me full of babies and weddings and mine just simply got smaller, it was shattered and I couldn't handle it. Everyone's lives around me were changing for the better and mine had just changed for the worst. I would beat myself up over it, constantly wondering why is this happening to me, why me what did I do to deserve such heartache. I was no longer just trying to run away from a bad day at work, or a breakup lol I was trying to run away from my life. I was looking for a way out an escape and nothing could take me away from my new reality, this was my cross to bear and I wasn't ready. I wasn't prepared for the journey I was about to be on.
I know this may seem like a bit of rambling, but I wasn't sure what I wanted to write about and then this started to pour out and I ran with it. I want people who read this to know you are not alone. No one can cheerlead you out of your grief and your heartache, this is YOUR journey and your love and loss and it's important that you know it's OK to cry, to feel abandoned, to be afraid, confused, empty and all of the above. Allow yourself the time to be the new you, allow yourself time to grow from your pain. I myself am on this path and it is not for the faint of heart let me tell you. Don't let anyone tell you what you should still be "thankful" for or tell you how you need to be strong for the other people involved. Do what you can and when you can't don't! Take care of yourself and your heart, it's going to need more than you realize. And if I can leave you with anything, something to carry on when you leave here today give yourself grace, you're going to need it!
XoXo
Aly
"Always and forever and until we're both in a better place"
